Escapism.

Escaping.

My best tactic. In fear of the unknown, the uncertainty, the don’t-know-what-will-happen kinda mindset…that allows the emotions to get the better of my mind. Perhaps, it’s time to really look towards the future that God has planned. To embark on a brand new journey again.

Sometimes i really wonder, how would one be able to get to the future when the past is present right ahead of them every single day? It’s like fighting the devil constantly and yet trusting in something that could only, be done with trust. But cut it. Dwelling on the origins ain’t gonna solve the issue. It’s not what we did, but what we do about it now that matters.

I believe I am going to have a good future, why wouldn’t I?
I believe in the good that Daddy God has placed in me, ain’t I?
I believe that nothing is going to be as worst as what has happened, just because I won’t let it revisit me again…would i?

Happiness, is all I seek. And i’m happy, right now.
=)

New Year 2012.

New Year Resolutions for this year.

After much thought, I decided to make it into a list of DOs and DON’Ts:

1. Listen to 2 new praise/worship songs every day. I got to feel God and love Him more.
2. Master guitar and drums. This is a must-learn skill for pushing the limit.
3. Speak and type ONLY perfect English.  I can’t stand  lousy language anymore. Let me go to USA pleaseee.
4. Plan 1 day a week to accompany my family for a meal. Relationships gotta buck up somewhere.
5. Eat 1 solid meal at least once every 3 days. This has got to be the hardest challenge.
6. Take stairs instead of lifts as much as possible. For health sake…and of course, a better imago dei.

The big NONOs:

1. Confessions of negativity. Cut the emo-party nonsense.
2. Self-degrading words. I am a child of God, so no more dragging Him down into the pit.
3. Dishonesty. Liars don’t go to heaven.

And that’s it. Settles the year end and begins the year start.

2011 hasn’t been exactly the best year yet. In fact, I would say it was seriously a turn off for me regardless all the positive confessions and beliefs on how it would have been on 31 December 2010. Emotional turmoils and breaks taken from all my passions….which i only came to realise today upon a chat with a friend.

Dance was gone, so was very much of singing. As though i totally let go of my passions so as to pursue more of a relaxed and indulged lifestyle of Word and fellowship. Perhaps the physical drain or stretch wasn’t there anymore, thus the difference in the feel. I just felt, refreshed, yet tired at the same time.

Yet I got to make many new friends. Those that I knew could last for a lifetime. Only through much sorrows and anguish did I found the circle of loyal friends. Those that bothered, at least, even when you were too tired to bother about yourself. OR making your sorrows known to the world.

Sometimes it’s good to have some “me-time”, yet too much of it causes the mind to wander around. And that allows space for the past to catch up, and haunt you like you never thought it would have been if you were making the effort to seek peace. I was utterly confused about what to do.

 

REST…or RUN?

 

Whatever it is, MODERATION is the key word in 2012. I’ve gotta grab a tight hold on that word and its meaning. I love how I have managed to learn the ability to say “NO” to certain things…it helps alot. Yet concurrently, it instills guilt and self-loathe. Alrights, time to start speaking good stuff.

And this is it…

The past is to be forgotten, the hated is to be forgiven, the self is to be loved.

Welcome. 2012. A brand new me in an everlasting You, God.

New year resolution 2012

My first new year resolution for 2012:

1. To listen to 2 new praise/worship songs everyday.

 

I wanna grow closer to You God,
and learn how to worship you like never before. 

A prosperous envisionment.

Been living too long in the haunting perspective of bad finances.
I should start being more positive of my future.
And it shall start here.
Ignite by the moment during a meeting with the other departments.

Envision myself living in a classy apartment,
together with my future “question-mark” partner,
enjoying our lives and working hard at the same time.
One day, i will get to say, I’ve made it too. To this level.

One day, i will not have to worry or pull my hair out from all these troubles.
I would not have to shed tears from experiencing all these stress,
yet feeling the unnecessity to bother over it since life still goes on.

I will prosper. In Jesus’ name, I proclaim.

The pusher.

Sometimes you know the right person has come by,

When you know that this person pushes you to be stronger.
That he/she will make you smile like never before.
The person seems to make every second seem like it’s a moment in heaven,
And of course, to be able to see God at the centre of the person’s life.

Sometimes some people may have seemed like they are never gonna be the right one. Or never were considered to be.

But sometimes, miracles happen. That’s what God is here for.

Distraction.

Heart on God. My first love. I need to do so. Take my distractions away. Let me focus on Him, alone. Priority above all. I need to look to You 1st, no more arguing or debating.

Matthew 6:33 rang in my head:

“But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,
and all these things shall be added to you.”

I NEED TO FOCUS.

Gotta get those thoughts of earthly desires outta my head, right now. Do not yearn for more, when God says, go slow. I trust in your guidance. I choose to walk in your allowance and directions. I seek your beauty.

I promised You so, therefore I will keep to it.

 

That day during choir, when i worshipped you, i saw images. So many of them. Chained cages, one by one, all opened up and released the emotions all unto You. I saw “hatred” and “anger” all rising up to surrender into Your hands. I thank You Lord for accepting them.

Is this a brand new start?

Okays, so this is it. I’m off.

Well, bad news is, I am officially looking for a new job again.

Good news is,  at least i got to explore great world city.
And try out the most famous food at Zion Riverside Food Centre.

Perhaps I’m a little disappointed. With myself. YUKO TAN simply can’t be a good worker. Somehow.. Maybe my life was destined to be a homemaker or what. Marry a rich husband. Rip the money out of him. Lead a golden spoon lifestyle. Whatever. That’s utterly lazy.
 

I kinda expected this.

Or rather…maybe… i wished this didn’t happen all so fast.
Just not in this way. But i’m actually quite relieved.

 

God, open up doors to a better opportunity.PLEASE.=)

Hype up that life.

Overwhelming sense of inner joy and peace.

All’s well in Jesus.=)

So inspired to change style. There, i decided. Full Korean/Jap style.
Time for some confidence boosting. Ha

Colours in the house, yo.

A Brand New Start, A Brand New Touch from Heaven.

1st October 2011. The first day of my breaking of the 30-day fast. The very first moment I stepped out of my previous days of sorrow and soul-searching moments.

I’m so glad, because I finally felt Him again. God, He finally appeared and touched me again.

He was always there, I knew. Yet I failed to feel nor sense Him, despite all the strict disciplines in the spiritual works I committed to having. Waking up early every single day to pray secretly in the HDB staircase lobby for fear of angering my family, finding whatever chance there was possible to loudly praise Him at home, spending regular devotional quiet time with Him every night regardless of frequent disruptions, praising Him in all situations good or bad, listening to worship songs, reading His word regularly…even forcing myself to break open my heart just to feel Him.

All these failed. Simply because I didnt surrender my all to Him.

With all that was happening at home, the ignorance and disregardances…it made things worst. I hid myself up in my bedroom every day, withdrawing from the world. I stopped meeting up with my friends, I stopped wanting to talk to much people, I just didn’t feel at all any bit equipped to face anyone.

I sunk…so deep, too deep. Until I spiraled right back into depression, that life of barrenness where you simply can’t see a way out anywhere. I couldn’t drop a single tear. I hated myself, I loathed this me that I saw in the mirror whom I constantly tried to upgrade and push on with my utmost flesh discipline.

My spiritual life went into a dip, it was as though I lost the momentum to move on anymore. It was as though I was arguing and questioning God over and over again, on the trueness of His word. I kept asking Him, why me…if me, then why not help me? If you don’t help me, why can’t you just let me vent it out, release it in tears?

I never got to shed a single tear the past 30 days. It was just…so empty.

But i knew I couldn’t stay that way. I couldn’t allow myself to dip in my spiritual life right after SOT ended. I couldn’t abandon the hopes God placed in me, and the future He set for me. I couldn’t return to depression and all that times of seeing the doctor again. This time, I needed to face it, strong.
So i went on a 30-day fast. All in a bid not to give attention to my emotions, but to worship him by focusing solely on Him. A renewed spirit, that was what I needed. A brand new life, that was what I really wanted.

Perhaps it was the lack of energy from lack of food, perhaps it was the less things I took on in life. No matter what it was, it slowed down my thinking, my walking speed, my pace of lifestyle. Everything came to a slow. I felt the peace of God with me then, everyday. Yes, the depressed feelings were still there. But I knew I became a much more patient person, a much more peaceful and rested one.

I started to deal with the root problem of my life – my family. Much reflection led me to realise, the bitterness I had against them ever since they failed to care for me during the break-up with Sem was so deep within my heart, that I failed to recognise it. I never once forgave them, but became more afraid instead. Instead of opening up to share with them, I closed up myself and shifted myself away from them all these years.

But this time round, I forgave. I accepted. I learnt to forget the grudges, and to love them once again. I learnt to be patient, to want to show them how Jesus was like. To let them know, that my God loved them, so did I. And amazingly, the relationship seemed to grow better now. I can finally, talk when I’m with them. My heart is opening. Slowly, yes I know, but at least I know it’s taking a step out.

Blessings came upon me as I prayed continually this month for the relationship with my family. Right on the last day of fast, God answered my prayers. On 1st October 2011, I finally went out with my mum in the morning to the market, and for the first time in my life, got requested to hitch a ride together with my brother. It was simply too amazing to describe, the experience.

I never came to such a standstill in my life, where i realised, i really loved this family I had in front of me. And i really wanted so much to love them more, to press into their lives more.

Then it came to him. I didn’t let him go totally. I never once did. I thought I did, but until the last day of September did I realise, I still missed him. I was still affected when I saw her coming to service. Maybe I didn’t feel that much anymore, but I did feel confused about my feelings towards them both. It was as though I loved my friends, but yet I was unhappy towards them.

At the end of the service on Saturday, I finally let it go. My tears finally fell, after such a long period of time, I experienced the hurt again, and I lifted it all up to God. I knew God was there, and He touched me. He told me this:

“My dear child, the love you have for these two people in front of you, is much more than the hate you have towards them…so focus on the love, not the pain.”

Thank you Father, for letting me realise how much I loved these two friends of mine. And i prayed for her, laid hands on her, and gave her a hug too. I wanted to really show love for this friend of mine whom I once had but lost. I wanted, to start a brand new life by letting it go finally.

SOAKED was the word, literally. For what I experienced on Saturday’s service. Amazing day it became, when I prayed for renewed chapter of life the day before. That service was right on spot. A new journal, a new lifestyle, a new spirit descended upon me.

A new wave of tears arose in my eyes. And i just broke down and cried. Cried and cried.
“Lift me out of this depression…please, God.” was what I prayed hard.

I needed to get out of this suppression. I just needed to be relieved, and eventually…I did. God showed up.He touched me, He held my hand, He showed me the light. He told me to worship Him, and I sang. Sang so hard, that my appendix hurted. But i still continued singing. With tears in my eyes, I just kept continuing to sing. Non-stop.

Because I wanted to worship. I just wanted to cling on to this presence I lost for ever so long.

Thank you God. Once again, You saved me. You brought me out of this pithole which i struggled in for so long. You gave me a friend that supported me by being there all these while. You let me know, that I could go on now, with more challenges in life. Not in resignation, but in anticipation. Because I know You made me strong, not to be defeated easily, so I could be face these difficulties in life that no one else could ever take if they were me.

I really wonder and am so excited on what challenges You’re gonna put ahead for me from now on. It’s no longer a “Why is life so tough for me?” question. It’s a “I love these tough challenges You’ve given.” statement.

Looking to You now every single day, all I can say and give, is:

A brand new life…Amen.

The Unheard.

That’s what people think.

As though the smile is always there. As though i’m that one who sits there, not batting an eyelid even if the world crashes on me. As though I’ve been through so much, nothing seems to be too hard for me to endure.

But i’m just but a human. One with emotions. I’m not being negative here. Just acknowledging the weak side of me has somehow erupted, amidst these peaceful days of happiness. How ironic. Was just being so appreciative of all God has done in my life, so grateful and glad for all the blessings.

Yet when one memory passes by, it all crashes.

It’s okay to be the one given less attention.I choose love.
It’s okay to be neglected everytime i yearn for to be noticed. I choose love still.
It’s okay to be misunderstood because i know there’re too many things unrevealed. I choose love still.

Just that feeling of abandonment. How weird it is, to be able to sit at home, yet not being able to interact.
To know that people around leaves you with no choice but to be forced alone.
Not that i didn’t try, but God,

You know why I always never failed to feel so heartpained within.

i wish…i really wish, one day, it’ll all be over.
I don’t know how the Lord will let it be..
But facing the devil everyday while trying to  cling onto the Lord,
needs more strength than I ever thought i needed.

Heal this wound within,
though i know it’ll never be patched again.
But in You, there is hope.
There is. There…will be.

Or at least, i need a bottle of it.